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birthday blues

25 Dec

exactly 25 years. that is how long i have lived now.

a few years back, i have envisioned to be stable by the age of 25. i was convinced that i am ahead of my time so i have set this personal goal of being equipped financially as well as on the other aspects of my life – emotions, physical well-being, spiritual and the list goes on. i am not sure if this expectation is reasonable because it’s is fairly early to expect too much too soon even with yourself.

this is one of the reasons i decided to come to china. this is one big step towards that goal. perhaps i will be able to gain some leverage on this aim i have set unto myself.  i thought it was about time that i do something big with my life. i have not lived a pampered or extra-ordinarily comfortable life but being home gives you the semblance of security and convenience. in china, i had virtually no one but myself. far from everything i know and rely on.

the day has come. what have i accomplished? they say when you aim for the stars, you can at least reach the sky. but in this case, can you get yourself to believe that you have actually touched the heavens?

as clocks ticked midnight, i can’t really say what i feel. is it just another day or is this THE day? does it take sometime before it sinks in or am i just in denial that i have reached the deadline – my own deadline. i don’t feel like re-evaluating my life right now; i have re-assessed things for quite sometime now. i have had sleepless nights way before tonight (or morning that is). am i contented or am i just deferring whatever mixed feelings i am supposed to deal with eventually?

who am i now? what have i done with my life?

the past year have been eventful highlighted by my death-defying stunt (i’d like to exaggerate a bit). i have also moved into another place and as i look back, i feel i have changed a lot. for better or worse, i can’t tell. for one, maybe i can say i know myself better. i have endured a lot and i have survived more than a few complications and changes. i have made mistakes and learned (a little) from them. i have done things i am not proud of but i have also achieved things i can confidently say i have accomplished on my own. i have been the worst and the best. i have fallen and while there are still some pieces left to pick up, i am still here.

i am not (yet) rich. i have a few but not much. i have prospects yet to materialize. i have discovered that i am actually capable of falling in love and although i have to work on the aspect of relationships, i have inched my way towards that. i am relatively at peace with myself.  i have realized that i am who i am without my last name or academic background. i have learned what i can do and got them into good use.

i am far from reaching my own standards. i have yet to reach higher to taste the sweetness of a bitter journey. i can not answer if i have completed my own requirements nor can i tell when i will feel i have fulfilled what i have set to conquer. maybe i am being nice to myself on my birthday, but i am hopeful that in any case, i’ll get there. it’s all happening and the future begins now.

 
4 Comments

Posted by on December 25, 2006 in bits-of-life

 

4 responses to “birthday blues

  1. jason

    January 1, 2007 at 5:59 pm

    Quarter life crisis Ace. A few more heart wrenching years and you’re set to go. For the meantime, relax. Enjoy life as it is. No worries, no expectations, no looking back. And for crying out loud, stop reading self help books. Hehehe. Happy birthday tsong.

     
  2. Mojo Jojo

    January 3, 2007 at 8:09 pm

    quarter-life crisis! hehehe!
    in an episode of ally mcbeal, georgia asked ally why her problems seems to be always bigger than others. and ally said it because it’s hers.
    and i believed her. you can always be nice to yourself even if it’s not your birthday. it’s your right. you don’t have to be guilty about it.
    anyway, happy birthday! too bad i wasn’t there to celebrate it with you. hopefully next year. =)
    i’m waiting for summer. ’cause then you’ll be here again. take care. love you.

     
  3. acextian

    January 3, 2007 at 11:10 pm

    i’ve received a message (not from a self-help book, jason) that says: you feel emptiness because you know you have a purpose. that is what drives me, knowing that i have something to accomplish. and quoting the movie Almost Famous: it’s all happening..

     
  4. iDuke

    January 20, 2007 at 10:48 pm

    just wondering, are you still teaching in china? are you still in the same place or have you moved somewhere else? i wish you could tell us more about how things go over there. i’m also curious, did your employer require efl/esl/tesol/celta cert before you began teaching?

     

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