it was exactly a year ago when i learned how your will to live is the key to survival. what wouldn’t kill you would make you stronger; it could also change your life.
i was just learning to drive a motorcycle. it was the third time i rode a bike. i was being stubborn and insisted to drive the unlucky ride. that was exactly a week after my cousin had an accident. ironically, we also had an accident on the same motorcycle and almost the same spot.
i tried to remember what happened that night. some would appear vividly yet until now, i am struggling to remember what maybe the most important moments my mind has blocked out.
i was driving on a reasonable alcohol-free speed. well maybe a little fast. i was adjusting the accelerator knob and next thing i know, i was driving on the roadside. i humped on at least three rocks before i “flew”. all those time i wasn’t thinking about slowing down, just keeping my balance. the life i had live wasn’t replayed while life is being decided for me. i just know i had to survive. i just kept praying. God, help me. i was afraid i would suffer worse if i hit the brakes abruptly and fall on the steep dirt just beside me. the next part was blank. i can’t remember the last hump nor when i was thrown out of the bike. i can’t picture how i got my bruises and all. i just realized i was lying on the road, hitting my head and opening my eyes to a sudden barrage of people i didn’t know were there.
when i realized what had happened, i struggled to get up. my head was spinning but my mind was racing. i was silently shouting: hindi pwede. The people crowding me kept asking me to just lie down. i told them the only thing i had on my mind. Hindi pwede. Kaya ko. i tried to get up but i can’t. after less than a minute, i got up. it was as if nothing happened. the car my nephew was driving was just minutes away and i waived at them to stop with them unaware of what has just transpired. it took them a while to realize that there was a commotion and why i was not on the bike. they didn’t even know the extent of the accident until they saw my bloody face and torn shirt and pants.
as if it was just a drill, i knew i had to be in control. i told them what to do and how to go about it. my cousin drove the car, we picked up a friend and went to the clinic. it wouldn’t be until later that i would learn of my torn ligament causing a displacement of my collar bone.
And even then i knew, hindi pwede. kaya ko. i know i can’t die. i can’t afford to die at that time. i still have a lot of things to do, plans i want to accomplish. there’s so much i have yet to fulfill. i can’t die a friend hasn’t forgiven me yet. i can’t die when i haven’t lived a noteworthy life.
i lived. i survived. i don’t know if i could have died that night but i am glad that i prayed for God’s mercy back when i didn’t know yet how grave things were to become. and more importantly, i didn’t know what’s in store for me. i had my second chance to live, what should i do next? am i worthy of another opportunity to live? i had tons of questions on my mind and i had no idea where to start looking for answers. i pondered. contemplated. the long and short of it, i found one.
a week or two before my accident, an important person in my life asked me to do three things.
1. learn to forgive myself.
2. be the best that i can be.
at that night, i have accomplished the first and the last. now, i guess i just have to take care of the second one.